When Leaders Don't Value Themselves (Everyone Can Tell)

I can tell within one conversation if a leader doesn't value themselves. 

It's not one big obvious thing.

It's quieter than that.

It's the way they hesitate before they speak, like they're waiting for permission.

The way they apologize for taking up space.

The way they are endlessly generous with everyone around them and quietly starving themselves in the process.

I've sat across from hundreds of leaders over 20 years in HR. Smart people. Capable people. People who genuinely care about their teams.

And some of the most talented ones are running on empty — not because the work is too hard, but because they never learned that they are allowed to need something too.

The Pattern Nobody Names Out Loud

Here's what it looks like in practice.

You give feedback freely but can't ask for it yourself.

You pour into your team's development while skipping your own.

You advocate loudly for your people and go silent when it comes to advocating for yourself.

You set high standards for your work and low standards for how you're treated in return.

And when someone finally asks how you're doing?

You say "fine" and pivot back to what needs to get done.

That's not strength. That's a habit. And it's costing you more than you realize.

What This Actually Looks Like on a Team 

Leadership self-worth isn't just a personal issue. It shows up in the room.

When a leader doesn't value themselves, a few things happen:

They over-accommodate. They avoid hard conversations because they're afraid to be seen as "too much." They say yes when they mean no. They absorb the team's stress instead of addressing it.

They under-communicate. They hesitate to set high expectations because they're not sure they deserve to hold people to them. So standards quietly drop.

They over-function. They carry work that isn't theirs because stepping back feels irresponsible. The team stops growing because the leader never lets go.

It all looks like dedication from the outside.

But it's actually leadership running on a foundation that keeps shifting.

The Part That's Hard to Hear

Most leaders who struggle with self-worth aren't aware of it.

Because it doesn't feel like low self-worth. It feels like caring. It feels like being responsible. It feels like not wanting to be one of those leaders who makes everything about themselves.

Humility is a virtue. Giving generously is a virtue.

But there's a line between being genuinely generous and quietly erasing yourself in the process.

And a lot of good leaders have been standing on the wrong side of that line for a long time.

Where It Comes From

Sometimes it's the environment. Organizations that promote people and then leave them to figure it out alone send a message: you're on your own. If you struggled early on, you might have internalized that struggle as a personal failure instead of a systemic gap.

Sometimes it's the identity. If you've always been "the responsible one" or "the fixer" or "the one who handles it," asking for what you need can feel like breaking a role you've been in for years.

And sometimes it's simpler than that. No one ever told you that needing support, setting limits, or asking to be treated well was part of being a good leader. So you left it out.

What Changes When You Value Yourself 

This isn't about ego. It's not about becoming someone who makes every conversation about their own needs.

It's about operating from a foundation that actually holds.

When you value yourself as a leader:

You set expectations clearly — because you know your standards are worth communicating.

You hold limits without apologizing — because you understand that limits are what make sustainable leadership possible.

You ask for help — because you know that asking doesn't make you weak; it makes you honest.

You stop absorbing everything — because you recognize that carrying more than your share isn't selfless, it's a slow leak.

And here's the part I want you to sit with.

The people on your team are watching how you treat yourself.

If you constantly model self-erasure, over-accommodation, and the quiet martyrdom of never having needs — you are teaching them that this is what good leadership looks like.

You are not just leading your team.

You are showing them what to become.

One Question Worth Asking Yourself

If you saw someone else leading the way you're leading right now — carrying what you're carrying, asking for what you're asking for (or not asking for), holding the standards you hold for yourself — would you say they were being treated well?

If the answer is no, that's your starting point.

Not a new productivity system. Not a different communication style.

Just the honest recognition that you deserve the same quality of leadership you give to everyone else.

That's not a luxury. It's the foundation.

This is the first post in a three-part series. 

Next up: What it looks like when leaders are set up to fail — and why so many of them blame themselves for it.

If this resonated, the Leadership Lab cohort is a small group experience built for exactly this kind of work. Real conversations. Practical tools. And finally, someone in your corner. Learn more here.